I recently sat down for a meal with my friend Tamar, a retired researcher who has lived in America for forty years. She had just returned from a three-month journey to her homeland, Israel.
As we shared a plate of spaghetti alle vongole (spaghetti with fresh clams), I realized that our conversation wasn’t just about a trip; it was about the profound, often painful duality of the expat soul.
The Divided Self: A Tale of Two Perspectives
Tamar’s story perfectly illustrates the “Divided Self” that many of us experience when we live abroad.
She grew up in a reality where sirens and shelters were a childhood norm. Yet, decades in the U.S. introduced her to a different set of values—specifically the belief that all human beings are created equal. This created a dual identity:
- The Rooted Self: The part of her connected to her history, family, and the survival instincts of her homeland.
- The Expanded Self: The part of her that grew through new cultural filters and analytical microbiology, allowing her to see the world with a more universal lens.
The Mental Health of “Staying Silent”
For many expats, returning “home” feels like a mental health tightrope. Tamar described her visit as difficult and tense. She had promised herself to stay silent to keep the peace with her friends and family, but she found it impossible.
In coaching, we often see this: the exhaustion of the divided self. When we suppress our expanded perspective to fit back into our original box, we experience a deep internal friction. For Tamar, her mental health was preserved not by staying silent, but by integrating her two worlds—even when it caused discomfort among loved ones.
The Mirror of the “Other”
The turning point for Tamar happened years ago, through a simple conversation with an American friend. It was the moment she realized that the truth she grew up with was only one piece of a much larger puzzle.
This is the hidden gift of the expat journey:
- The Distance: Distance doesn’t just separate us from our country; it separates us from our automatic biases.
- The Revelation: We begin to see our own cultural heritage not as “the way things are,” but as a filter we’ve been wearing our whole lives.
Connecting the Parts
Leaving one’s country is often a search for something external—work, safety, or education. But the most successful “global souls” are those who find their own humanity in the gap between their two worlds.
By bridging the gap between who she was and who she became, Tamar didn’t lose her identity; she expanded it. She chose to support organizations that help families on both sides of a conflict, proving that when we connect the divided parts of ourselves, we become capable of a much deeper empathy.
Where do you feel the friction between your two identities? Instead of choosing one side, how can you let them speak to each other today? Share your thoughts in the comments.
Hi! I’m Cristina. As a European woman living in Colorado, I get the struggle of building a meaningful life abroad. I help expat women finding a sense of belonging wherever they are. If you’re curious to learn how I could be of service to you, book a free call clicking the button below.
New Moon Coaching for Expat Women 
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